My name is “Writer’s Flow” and I have writer’s block. I don’t mean this facetiously. I have been trying to write this post for awhile now. Even this is physically hard to write, but i am forcing myself to go on [despite racing heart, nagging doubts, flustered fingers] When i began this blog, a little over a year ago, i was on an upswing, ready to flow, more ideas and drive than i knew what to do with. This felt like a natural progression. I was Writing Again [and actually submitting]…actually putting those thoughts on paper, instead of slowly going nuts listening to them bounce around in my head… and Revising, revisiting…pulling out notebooks and unwrapping napkins with thoughts jotted on them… looking at characters a decade later and finding their voices were still there… all i could do was write, just like old times…all the time-stories, poems, essays, even exploring writing forums online and actually, really, writing long overdue letters to relatives and friends…real letters which are harder. they are hard again
it all is…even when it comes and i actually write, like now…racing, doubting, shaking. i have a tic in my finger..wher di dthat come from?! I have been writing since before I could really think for myself and have been trained, complimented, even awarded as a writer, but i have a hard time thinking of myself as one. though i am. I can say that much. And I want to [have to/need to] write. not for fame or fortune [haha] but because i can and should. So, what is my real problem? I go through all of these thoughts over and over, just like my scenes… but when it comes to facing the page, or the screen or, gulp, a deadline…i freeze, i panic i stop…sometimes for days, even years, this time, 15 weeks, on and off again
i dont know why… or what triggered the block again…i have no shortage of ideas or thoughts, it is not due to lack of imagination or opinion…because the voices havent stopped especially my own loud berating one which carries a red pen and a whole lot of baggage. It could have been yet another rejection letter, or misinterpretation of meaning…something random or even nonexistent. I know i have many anxieties and contributing factors…been collecting them all my life. When it hits, i have to go with it, because i never know when it will return. or if
I don’t think everyone will understand what i mean. i used to think noone could, but i have naturally turned to the comfort of reading and have learned that I am not crazy. This is real. There is a physical reaction coupled with the mental condition that is officially termed Writer’s Block. When i was younger, I used to think it was a joke, of sorts, tongue-in-cheek, coined [of course] by a cynical struggling writer. It’s a better term for that other writer’s disease: procrastination. After all, writing isn’t really a job, right? It’s an impulse, a talent, an ability. Most of us learn how to write. Some of us just like it more, right? I had so many thoughts and ideas…how could anyone not know what to write? What i didn’t understand was the difference between ‘not knowing what to write’ and ‘knowing, but being unable to write it’. Facing the page and losing the battle before you even begin. Starting a letter eight times and never sending it even when you really love and miss someone. Writing poems or scenes in my head which will never be read or sweating and damnnear hyperventilating until you actually do get it out on paper, and then hating evry word you wrote. I edit myself, even before i am done. Right now, i am purposefully trying to curb my Inner Editor just so i can get this out of me. So i don’t go back, or erase or Delete. I am trying to start again. Again. So i have not entirely lost my flow. And i want to work on this. So now this blog will encounter its therapeutic side and help me get back to being a writer.
I havent given up. I can’t. i’m here but I don’t really feel much more confident. This could be my last post for all I know. Maybe I really am full of it. Or not. Maybe it will help. So I have to backtrack my original resolve to not get too personal and I haveto really do it. Write it out, from the inside out. but first i guess i have to work out this kink in my flow.